It's Been A While, Continued

So, my roommate Stacey broke up with her boyfriend...

     They had been planning to go to a wedding together, but since the split, she decided to bring me instead! Yeessssssss.

      We rolled up to this super ritzy country club, (the hotel for the wedding was the Hilton, if that paints a picture of the fancyness levels for you), and My roommate and I were both lookin' fine. She's a beautiful girl, so she looks good always, but I on the other hand, looked amazing, if I do say so myself. I had my Don Draper grade suit on, and knocking back drinks like the man himself. I;d juts acquired a new suit coat and awesome oxfords from Goodwill...for $15. I've ranted about how much it blows trying to find clothes to fit me, but here I just walk into the place and in about 10 minutes, walk out with new shoes and a suit coat that fits and looks about ten times better than my old one did. This is a super modern coat in fit and design, so needless to say, I was happy. Anyway, after the ceremony she'd, issued a challenge to me, seeing who can get the most phone numbers that night. I agreed, but who the hell wants to get into a numbers contest with a babe? Not this guy. Oh well. Well, the night goes on and I meet about 75% of Stacey's family. The bride even asks her if I'm the "new guy," from which I understand that happened quite a bit. Fast forward about 7 more glasses of Dewar's White Label scotch on the rocks, and 7 more glasses of Jameson neat, and you'll find me on the dance-floor with Stacey, slow-dancing and fast dancing as the songs change. I'll make a long story short, but I'm pretty sure we end up making out right there on the dance floor. Making out. With my roommate. Oh, fuck. I'm a bit hazy at this point, but we end up back at the hotel and end making out a ton more outside. Well, I can honestly say that I did not see that coming, at all. I feel bad about this. Her ex boyfriend is kiiiiiind of the drummer in my band and we're kind of best friends. However, he's moving out of state in October, and probably gone for good. I'm 100% convinced that  the make out would not have happened at all unless we were drunk, and at the wedding. This happened last night, like I said. This morning she said "we made out last night," to which I said "yeah, we made out a lot last night." We both kind of chuckled it off, so I'm pretty sure that there's nothing we need to talk about, and it shouldn't be awkward from now on or anything I hope. I'd normally feel awful about the situation, but like I said, we laughed it off. It's clearly (I hope) not a big deal to either of us, and I'm also assuming it was a one time deal. I'm ok with it happening again, personally, but like I said, I seriously doubt it. Hopefully no harm done there, and hopefully none of her family witnessed our...closeness. I'd hate for her to get barraged with questions about it. SO, this is what's up lately. At the end of the day, I hope neither of these things repeat themselves. Not that I wouldn't/didn't enjoy myself, but this kind of stuff can end up getting sticky quick, and with my luck, they would. I felt the need to blog about these events, because I'm telling no one about either of them. Some things are better left not gossiped about, and these juicy tidbits are prime examples of such a thing.

Oops, I did it again,
-Frank.

It's Been A While.

So, it's been a while. This will probably be along post, so bare with me here.

     Let me start off with some important updates. I ended up starting up another fling with Sam. Sexual tension got the better of us, and on top of this, Sam has the innate ability to convince me that she'll be fine with whatever happens with us, even if it's never more than physical with us. I should have known better, but she can be very convincing, especially when I'm sexually starved and otherwise devoid of any kind of substantial physical contact. Well, I sensed she was getting deep in it, and I wasn't. I ended things, and she's in the worst shape I've seen her in. This the only time in our odd history that she's needed space from me. I can't begin to convey how terrible I feel about all of this, and that I knew in the back of my mind that these things would not end well. I'm not sure how I let myself get into this situation again, and now that I've really hurt her, I hate myself for it. This is definitely my fault, but at the same time, I wish she hand't tried so hard to get me back into bed with her. I accept full responsibility for this, but then again, it does take two to tango. And we tango'd hard.

     In other news, I feel like all eyes are on me lately, and I'm not digging it at all. By this I mean too many of my chick friends have made passes at me now, and it's kind of a drag. IT wouldn't be if these ladies in question had been single for a while, but the case is they're both recently single (one like a week ago, and she also lives with her ex), and their exes are still around. One of the exes in question sort of happens to be one of my best friends. And of course these two instances I'm about to relate to you happened in two consecutive days, because why would there be any time between these things. Okay, so the first instance happened on Friday with a friend of mine I've mentioned before, but I can't remember what the hell code name I've given her, so we'll just call her Alice. She came home from work early to find her boyfriend naked, with another girl in the house. Details are hazy because obviously Alice was in such shock, but that makes sense. We're not sure anymore that he actually did anything, and that's only because this guy is so stupid that I could totally see he being an idiot enough to get himself into this kind of situation without actually banging the strange girl in his house, or even planning or wanting to bang this girl. That aside, the point is that Alice is now single. Fast-forward to Friday, and that will take you to Alice and I sitting on my back steps, more than a little drunk. Some drunk girls walk by, and of course Alice starts chatting them up and discovers that it's one of their birthdays. She keeps asking the birthday girl if she wants a birthday kiss from me, who let me remind is sitting there, minding my own business and definitely not offering anyone kisses. I tell them to ignore Alice and to go have fun, which they do, and Alice starts saying that if I'd given her time, that I could have kissed that girl. I really didn't care to, smooch this random girl anyway, so I explained this to her. She gives me a look and says "well, what if I want a kiss." I take a shot, look at her and say "then maybe you should go get one." She looks pretty pissed, but I think this is hilarious. I know what she was getting at because I'm not stupid, so I say "Oh, you meant from me."

      One thing you need to know about her is that she's insanely pretty, and takes full advantage of it. I'm pretty sure I'm the one guy she's been friends with who hasn't actively tried to get into her pants since day one of knowing her. She told me a few years back that if she wanted to, she'd have me wrapped abound her finger. I think this is also hilarious, because it is. Especially with that in mind, I've always brushed off any flirting she did with me, especially any time she ever said to me "Oh, if I was ever single, I'd make you the happiest man alive." Yeah, maybe it's silly for me to still hold onto what she said about having me wrapped around her finger, but I don't forget things like that. I was really pissed when she said that, and now if she actually ever does have feelings for me or wants to hook up, well too bad, because you said a really bitchy thing to me and you've ruined it for yourself. I've told her this but that doesn't seem to stop her attempts, but I haven't cracked yet, and I'm not going to. So, at this moment on my back steps. I say, " Then why don't you come on down here and get one." She leans in, slowly, mouth slightly open, eye contact made fully as she lowers her face and lips towards mine. Our noses touch, our lips brush, but I stay absolutely still and don't follow up with the 10% required it'd have taken to complete the kiss. She hovers there for about three long, awkward seconds, but then stands up looking more pissed, and simply says "fuck you, Frank." I tell her that if she really wanted a kiss, she'd have gotten it. She tells me I've "lost my chance," to which I say.."uh-huh." She continues to be all over me for the rest of the night, and at one point, I steal a kiss just to see what she does. To which she just says "I can't believe you just did that." I'm laughing now, because...well, I just am. I think more or less this has began to become a game of sorts with us, but I'm not sure anymore. I'm not gonna fall for her, but hell, if I could be making out with a gorgeous girl, I should be capitalizing on that, right? I'm pretty sure she's going to end up taking back her moron boyfriend, so my window of opportunity is basically closed. It's definitely no big deal, it's not like I haven't made out with her a bunch in the past or seen her naked already. Story two will continue on the next post, because this is way too long It took place last night/this morning, at a wedding.

Epiphanies

     I've realized something today. Something that should have been apparent to me throughout all of my struggles thinking of Sam and whatever the future might hold for us. Sam is 100% in love with me, which I know because she told me, and reminds me of often. I love her, but I am not in love with her. This is why I could never be with her. To commit to someone who is not only not on the same page as you, but is instead on the last chapter of the next book in the series, would be torturous for both people involved. She’d be there waiting for me to fall in love with her, and in return, this would cause me much anxiety and fear. This is what I need to explain to her.

     Am I wrong here? Maybe one or some of you have entered into a relationship with someone who you either already loved or was in love with you. I feel that she would end up resenting me for not being able to return her same feelings. She told me that she thinks we could make something work if "we took it slow." To me this is crazy. How exactly do you take things slow with someone you are in love with? I ask myself this but realize that to her that would be better than even the friendship we have now, because at least then she would know that she had me, and that I was indeed hers. I don't have a problem with love (in fact, that’s what I want (need) in my life right now), and I don't have a problem with commitment, but how does one start fresh with an old foundation? Plus with our other fundamental differences, and the fact that we are text-book opposites, which has already made being friends difficult enough. It wouldn’t be fair or right of me to let this happen. I hate myself for letting things end up the way they did on the night of the wedding. My weakness and need for connection overpowered my better judgment, and I screwed that up. With Sam, it's so easy because I've known her for a while now, and I already trust her, and am comfortable with her. More comfortable with her than I am with anyone else, really. But comfort does not establish grounds for building something that can't support itself. Maybe I'm overanalyzing all of this (like I do every other detail of my life). Does anyone else think so? However, I do truly feel this won’t ever work, and I need to tell her this.
Signing out,
-Franklin D. Orren.

Poorly Plotted Points

     I never thought that I would be the type to cry at a wedding, but let me tell you all, I sure as hell got close. I've known the bride since freshman year of high school, and the groom since he was eight. Hell, they met at my old apartment. It was surreal to watch her walk down the aisle. As soon as she stepped out, I felt the familiar pressure of tears forming behind my eyes; I'm pretty sure a few escaped, so luckily I was wearing sunglasses (we were outside for the actual ceremony). Everything was beautiful, especially the bride who looked like a freaking princess. I wish them both a lifetime of love and happiness. 

     If I remember correctly, I had...let me tally this up:

     -1  18 ounce beer

     -1 12 ounce beer

     -1 round of Rumchata and cinnamon whiskey shots

     -1 glass of white wine

     -1 girly mixed drink with dinner before the wedding

     -2 glasses of champagne

     -3 glasses of scotch on the rocks

     -4 whiskey and sodas

     - I think...7 or 8 gin and tonics. The last of which I know was about 80% full of Beefeater.

     I forgot how much I liked gin. For me, it's one of those things I totally forget about unless I see some one else drinking one, and then I get one as well. Anyway, all of those drinks I consumed was just at the wedding. The post-wedding bar I went to is where things get a little hazy, but I think this is right...

     - 2 Wild Turkey (101) and cokes

     - 1 shot of well tequila

     - 1 shot of Jameson

     - 2 vodka cranberries. 

I promise I'm not making these numbers up. Remember that I'm 6'6" and the amount seems a bit more reasonable. I'm not sure how even I managed to keep all these down (no vomiting, woohoo!) even for me. It was one of those types of drunk where you don't really feel drunk, but you notice your steps aren't quite as steady and your speech isn't quite so clear. This is my least favorite kind of drunk for sure, since I don't think I'm very drunk at all but turn out to be smashed in reality. Thing is, I'm sure I didn't even come close to having the most drinks that night. The bride's family can really, really put it away. Ugh. 

     I ended up looking just as good as I'd hoped. I ended up finding the perfect shirt (professionally fitted, and now I know for sure I need a 40/41 inch sleeve), and the perfect shoes. Everything was on point. And while there were a ton of fine single ladies there, I had really no desire to hit on a single one of them. I was having fun just dancing with my friends and being happily intoxicated. At one point even one of the girls came up to us and asked us why we were dancing with each other and not with all the pretty girls that were around (she herself was a foxy, foxy Asian girl), to which I thought of walking up to her, grabbing her hand and leading her to a clear spot on the floor and saying "well all you had to do is ask," and give her a wink, but I just...didn't even want to. Plus Sam was around and I didn't want to make her feel bad (also the ride home would have been awkward). 

     Something that's important to know about me is that when I drink, two things happen: I become the most loving human being on the planet, and I become very honest and open. Usually this works to my advantage, and very well I might add, but it becomes detrimental when I'm in a closed space (say like a car), when I'm alone with a girl I have feelings for. Basically, I messed up last night. Sam and I were having a convo about something that happened when we were still involved, and the convo lead to how we wished we both would have done things a bit differently. Well, when we got to the bar, She finally started drinking herself. We got a ride back to my place from a sober buddy of mine, and that's when things really went bad. We were talking about our feelings, and I wish I would have had the sense to keep my damn mouth closed. I told her about how one night when my (brief) girlfriend at the tine was passed out in my bed, that I sat there and was missing Sam a lot. And how when I drove Sam to her (also brief) boyfriend's house, that I desperately wanted to tell her that to forget about him, and that we'd turn around right then and we could go back to my house and figure things out. I said a lot of stuff I didn't want to tell her, as did she. I didn't want to say them because they aren't true or anything like that, I'm just worried now that I've made it easier for her to get hurt by me. The main problem is is that I still don't know if I should be with her or not. I honestly do love her, but she scares me, too. My fear of getting hurt by her I feel would lead me to be on the defense offense the whole time to protect me feelings, and only end up hurting hers because of that. We've already established that we need to have a sit-down. I have no idea what I'm gonna say. I should have been worried when a total hottie at the bar started hitting on me by the juke box, and I had no desire to hit on her back. I saw the look in her eyes when I walked by, with her giving me the slow up and down look and the "hello," smile, and the first thing I think of is Sam. She started chatting me up (I was still wearing my suit, so this is why), and I just kind of dealt with it and made small talk back to her, but as soon as I could be I was back on my way. usually nothing stops me from flirting. It's second nature to me. Dang, I've typed enough already. Basically, I wish I hadn't said anything to Sam, even though for me it was very cathartic. I'm just afraid now. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. Ugh. We'll see what happens. Wish me luck.

Signing out,

Franklin D. Orren. 

Suspended Carefully In Ballance.

     I guess it would be fair to say I had an odd weekend. Not in any sort of obvious good or bad way, just a little off from what I usually expect. First off, I visited my sister and brother-in-law for (probably) the last time. I didn't get very emotional about it what was pretty shocking to me, but maybe deep down I know they're moving half-way across the country and there's nothing I can do about it. If I want to ever see them again (which I do), I'm going to have to get my ass to Portland and back. No reason for them to come back to The Windy City. Not that I blame them for not wanting to come back to Illinois. Part of me wants to take them up on their offer and move to Portland with them. Only problem with that is that everything I know and live is in this sub-par town, and I don't know if I'm ready to kick it all to the curb just yet. Yeah, I could stay in touch with people via Internet and phone, but I can't cheers my friends that way. I can't jam with my band via text. Ugh. My mind is wrapped up in this. If I'm being honest, my mind has actually been wrapped up in everything lately. I feel like my mind is a slot machine, except instead of three or four spinning wheels, there are rows upon rows and columns upon columns of spinning disks, each containing everything I know. However, these disks never actually land on anything. I just see words and pictures flash by my eyes 24/7 and never settle on one single thought that contributes to my overall uneasiness as of late. I'm sinking back down into depression and I have no idea what's causing it. Not one specific thing, anyway. There's not a whole lot I feel that I can do about it right now, at least. I'm sure that will change soon enough. Maybe what I need is change? Something to appear as something else? At least enough to where my life looks different than it did before. Maybe that's asking too much.
   
     On the women front, Scarlet and I have ceased all communication. Well, she ceased I suppose I should say, for accuracy's sake. The last conversation we had started with her (after a few days of silence) saying that she was thinking about me, and that she wished she was with me, driving around and listening to the blues (which is something we did a lot the first day we met). I'm pretty sure something inside me then broke loose, and is now constantly bouncing around my insides, causing ruptures and all sorts of other damage. That makes me wonder though, is she really st home, seeing other people and having fun with them, but still thinking of me all the time? Well, not anymore I assume at least. And I made that sound like way more serious than it is, especially by saying "other people," as if there was ever only me. I suppose I just don't know how to word this, which, is another sign that that I liked this woman way too much in such a short amount of time. At least she felt the same way, too. I'm really not just sitting around and thinking about her. I haven't thought much of her until I sat down and started typing all of this out.
   
     My mind has been more on Sam lately. Ever since she told me she was in love with me (and way before then, if I'm not going to sit here and lie to myself and all of you as well), I can't stop thinking about "what if." I've never been more connected to anyone in years, and I already know she's safe. Safety is a terrible reason to consider dating some one though, assuming that's the only reason. I suppose I'm afraid that the main reason she's on my mind is because of how much we've shared, and I know she won't hurt me. Maybe I'm not thinking about her the right way, and instead see her as the best route to take because of the safety factor. This makes me sad, because she deserves some one amazing, and here I am, going back and fourth on the thing because I don't know if I want to be with her because I actually WANT to be with her, or for some other reason, which of course makes me feel like crap. I don't really deserve her at the end of the day, and that's what I need to focus on. I'm bad news for her, no matter how much I care about her.

      I'm sure I'm hurting another friend of mine as well, simply by being around and talking to her. Well, the fact that we make out a ton and sometimes do other things when we drink isn't helping anything. Let's call her Kristi. She's a pretty big player in my game right now. Basically, we met one night at karaoke, and I gave her and a friend of hers a ride home. Kristi and I made out, exchanged numbers and all that, been hanging out ever since. Fast-forward a bit, and I realize this girl is basically the female version of me, and once I realized that, all romantic feelings toward her died. I started seeing her as more of a buddy than anything else before then, but once it dawned on my in real life, that was just...well, that killed it for me. I still think she's attractive, I still think she's awesome to hang out with, I just could never date her. We've talked about everything, and we're cool with it, but we tend to end up in bed whenever we have a bit to drink. I think that's kind of how we both prefer it? Maybe? But if she's maybe not being honest 100% and there are feelings on her end...well. That's not ok. This probably warrants another conversation altogether. Nothing's ever easy, I guess. All of her friends that I've met always ask me about our relationship when Kristi's not around. They tell me how awesome of a girl she is and how I need to date her. That gets a bit akward, really. She has a fair amount of male friends, too, so when they say these things to me my obvious first instinct is to obviously say "Hey, if you think she's so great, why don't YOU date her?" I assume this is because they also realize what I have realized. Tough situation. She also deserves some one great, but I'm just not the guy for her, whether she knows that or not.

     In summation, as much as I'd love to be with some one, i think i need to figure out my own issue first. This sounds obvious as I write it. most things usually do.
Signing off,
-Frank D. Orren.

Holding Hands, Skipping Like A Stone.

     Well, in two weeks, two long-term friends of mine are tying the ole' knot and entering into the whole holy matrimony kind of stuff. Good for them! This event should be a good time since friends old and new will be there, and of course, my two friends getting married will be good too, haha. At the same time, I am a going to be a bit sad, since I'll be reminded of love, and how I basically don't know what that word means anymore. Surrounded by happy couples, watching my two friends join in their love right in front of me, just...ugh. Makes me sick! not really at all, but I'm just saying stuff now. One thing I do know about weddings is that they drive single women crazy, and there will be a ton of single women there. The Bride's friends are all gorgeous, and I think mostly available, so that could get fun when you combine the open bar and the fact that we're going to be in a hotel. Hey, I am tired of chasing skirts around, but I figure this will be the place to do so. Droves of horny, 20-something women running around...That does sound like my kind of place. NOW, lemme tell you about my suit!
   OK, so this is no secret amongst my friends, but I love fashion so, so, sooooo much. I always try to be the snappiest dresser where ever we end up going to. I make my own styles, so even when I'm not rocking mens' latest fashions, I'm making sure my outfit is still cool and unique. What can I say, I've got an eye for this stuff. Anyway, this suit I'm throwing together is going to be flawless. I'm going with the classic black suit, white shirt, black tie (and I did the research, it IS still OK to wear a black suit to a wedding (as long as it is in the evening)). I'm going to go get professionally fitted for a shirt (even thought I think I found the best one for me) since it's so hard for me to find quality clothes that actually fit, especially dress shirts (I need at lest a 39/39 sleeve), so I'll either go rent a nice white shirt with french cuffs and a spread collar, or have to find one online to buy. I've got a great black skinny tie, and the suit is now a super modern fit after some altering I did to it. So, if I'm not mistaken, I'm going to have the trendiest, well fitting suit around, and I cannot wait for it. And of course, I'm topping it all off with a nice watch and a pocket square. something like this.

      I suppose I have no real way of knowing that my suit will be the best there, but that's the fantasy I'm having right now, so that's what I'm going to stick with. Anyway, that's the look I'm going for, but of course I won't be some silly twig man. One thing I still need for sure is shoes. I have the old square toes, but those just aren't fashionable, and by far the most expensive thing I have to get still. A nice pair of black oxfords is what I want, but God knows what I'll be able to find in size 15 between now and then. If I haven't mentioned before, I'm kind of a giant, so finding quality clothes that fit me is almost impossible. Big and tall stores are almost useless since they assume that if you need a 3XL dress shirt, it just has to be because you're obese, and not because you're tall, broad and lift. They assume you've got to be the worst shape you can possibly be and still fit into that size shirt. Luckily I've found that Buckle sells button-up shirts for people with my build, which I think is fantastic. I can walk in there and find jeans with a 34, 35, or even a 36 inseam which is perfect except for the fact I don't have the kind of cash to be dropping on designer jeans. Basically, I'm large enough to where I just barely can't shop in normal stores anymore, save for things like boxers, sock, and t-shirts.

     Anyway, I'm looking forward to this day so much, and I can't wait to be there to see my friends start the rest of their lives together!
-Signing out,
Frank D. Orren.

Time Wasted

     A pretty weird thing happened to me the other day. I was out with some friends, and I ended up making out with a total stranger, who I'm estimating was around 10 years or so older than I. I'm not really sure how it happened though, as far as the events leading up to that or when she decided that she was just going to make that happen. I was outside smoking with some friends and this lady come out of no where and starts chatting us up. She looked pretty darn good for her age (not that I'm implying that she was old, or past her prime or anything like that, because I'm definitely not), and she was very nice, and just out with some friends the same way I was. We made small talk, finished our smokes and all went inside. The situation was that a long time friend of mine was introducing me to one of her newly single co-workers that I was tasked (that makes it sound like it was something I didn't enjoy doing, which wasn't the case, just saying) with charming and showing her a good night. So my friend her co-worker head straight to the bar, while my buddies head to the pool table to get another game started. This beautiful stranger says "Hey, nice meeting you and good talk," to which I say the same. I gave her a hug, because hey why not, everyone enjoys a solid hug, and before I know it, she's on my face like there's no tomorrow. Not in a super passionate, aggressive kind of make out, but it was sudden, but slow and sensual. I was definitely OK with the proceedings. So, After a few attempts to quell the make out (simply because we were standing at the focal point of the entire place), I finally am able to break away and get back to my table. During, I didn't really care who saw, but I realized that I'd blow any chance with this new girl (I'd assume) if she saw me making out with this total stranger, otherwise, hell I'd probably have kept it up for as long as she wanted to. As far as I could tell, she was totally sober, as was I. These things don't usually happen to people in real life, do they? Not once have I been out with my friends and seen this happen to one of them (and basically all of my friends are 8's or above(I don't plan it that way, but it's true)), at least not without putting work into for the night. I've seen my buddies make out with people they met that night, sure, but only after a while of flirting, drink buying, or what have you.
   
      I realized that I never got her number or gave her mine, but on the same token, why would I have? Maybe for some fun at a later date, but would there have been any real chance that something more real could have ever happened? I mean what do I have in common with someone in their thirties? Mid 30's, to be a bit more precise. Again, not that I have anything against her age (I'm not a stranger to women whom are significantly older than myself), but we're at two completely different points in our lives.Maybe the issue here isn't what I could have made out of it, but why would I even wonder about it? Why would I take some random older woman making out with me at a bar as a sign for a place to start looking for a relationship with her? I think this is some sort of sign. I honestly am tired of chasing skirts. I'd like something a bit more real, but I guess this means I need to be very careful as to where I start looking, since this is leading me to believe that I should be looking literally anywhere, which is obviously wrong. Very, very wrong. As far as the girl I was supposed to be courting, that went alright I suppose. Everyone (sans the stranger) came back to my place, and we started a little party in the basement. Some people left, and it ended up just being me, her and two friends who were on her like white in rice. It was like...watching two baby lions trying to take down a gazelle, and extremely fun to watch. Anyway, I walked her home and that was that. I didn't even get her number. whoops. or not.
-Signing out,
Frank D. Orren.

A Culmination of All Things At Once.

You know, all of my experiences this week make me wonder if I'm great with women, or terrible with them. Not at picking them up, or making them fall for me perse, but I'm referring more to doing things that are correct or make sense. My speaking with Scarlet still makes no sense. Me looking to Sam for comfort makes no sense. Me fooling around with (a new/old player) Layla makes no sense. Well, Layla does make a bit more sense, but not much. Let me get into all of it.
      Everything Scarlet says basically makes me feel like I'm invincible. I feel like a small child who's seeing everything for the first time with just a few sentences that she transfers to me from her multiple-hundreds of miles away place that may as well not even exist, because it's so far. Except the communication there is getting less frequent, and not on my end, so I suppose she'd probably like to get back to reality. I'd like that too. I hate having such a silly crush on her anyway. For the best. Maybe she'll be back for our mutual friend's wedding, but I doubt it. I'd definitely like to get to see her when I'm in a well-fitted suit, because she wouldn't stand a chance. Yeah, I may be a little bit cocky, but you would be two if you had this angel's affections. Of course if she shows up in anything but a trash bag (hey, maybe even a trash bag), I'll be so instantly floored by her that it won't matter. It's hard to forget about some one who tells you that anywhere you took them they'd love, simply because you were there. Me being the hopeless freaking romantic I am ate that up incredibly fast. I have to constantly remind myself that nothing could ever happen there and that if she were here, everything would be different. That actually does help to know, that I would have here in things were different.
   
     So, in a bout of depression and self-doubt, I ended up having Sam come over last night. I knew I shouldn't have let her come over, but I was feeling terrible about life in general and I couldn't stand the thought of being alone. To skip forward, nothing happened. We cuddled and kept each other warm. There were a few kisses, but they were just lip pecks. Certainly nothing to get excited about, but I knew it was wrong to do. She was probably the last person I should have sought though, since there will always be a chemistry and attraction there (especially on her end). It's hard to keep a level head on your shoulders when you're lying with your head on her chest while she's petting your head telling you that everything is OK.

     I suppose I shouldn't have felt so lonely considering the night before Layla was over and thing got a bit intense. We didn't sleep together, but we did everything else. I needed that. We're supposed to be starting a band together, so we'll see how that goes, as long as I don't do anything with her again we should be fine. I assume it will come up in conversation at some point, but I would definitely prefer it doesn't. At least the women I mess around with always get breakfast cooked for them and coffee the next morning! I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of myself to an almost scary amount: the subject was a guy telling some girl he's bad at one night stands and he knows what they have isn't love, but he just wants her to lay there with him and be close because at that moment, he knows that's all he needs. I feel like this is me to a tee. My ONS' never end up how they're supposed to because I always treat whatever girl I'm with for the night that she's mine, which makes them think "oh, maybe he wants more,' but I almost never do.It's something I definitely need to fix, but at the same time I'm so starved for emotional and physical connection than when I actually get it, I try to make one the other (or both), and that usually leaves them confused (which I under stand). I figure maybe if I can't do one night stands properly, then maybe I should stop having them! What an idea, don't do things that are bad for you. At the same time, that thought makes me cringe: I wonder if I stop with messing around or sleeping with random women, what if I get no more of the connections I desperately desire? Finding a proper girlfriend would obviously change that (which I'd actually like), but finding a woman I want to be with seems impossible, or if I do find one, there's always some sort of catch to where it makes it either unlikely or impossible for us to date (hence Scarlet, or Sam even, to give some examples).

     More and more everyday I find myself tiring of the chase. The chase used to be more rewarding and fun for me than even landing the prize you're after, but that's completely flip-flopped now. When I first entered the dating world, I went from hopeless romantic, to heart-breakin' rock and roller, and now I'm rolling back onto phase one of my idealism about love. Except for the fact this time around, I know how to actually talk to women (pretty damn well, if I do say so myself). I asked out a few women this past week, which is something I haven't done in a while. I didn't get a 100% success rate but hey, who the hell does? Rejection is the last thing I'm afraid of anymore; not trying is way worse a fate in my opinion. According to my female friends, I flirt about 95% of the time simply by being awake. I'm apparently charming, and just...good at talking to women. The only problem is, I never know when I am flirting. i could be having a totally normal conversation, saying nothing more than I need to, and I feel like I'd be accused of flirting (and in fact have been). I only ever know for a fact that I'm flirting when I talk to my favorite bartender at my favorite bar, simply because she's a lesbian and it's fun. I'm not sure if she knows that I know she's a lesbian, haha. She does give me a lot of free drinks, though...food for thought. Well, shots for thought, to be more accurate.
Signing out,
-Frank D. Orren

On One hand...And On the Other

     I've encountered a bit of a dilemma. Funny thing is, there's not clear cut problem to everyone, and could easily be seen as a no-brainer to everyone else, but I'm certainly not everyone else. As mentioned in my first post, I have feelings for a girl who lives far away from me. An impractical distance away in fact, which makes it impossible for me to really act on any of these feelings (we'll call her...Scarlet) We talk, and the feelings are mutual, and I can't stress how happy I am that I even get that, but the only way anything would ever work is if I somehow won the lottery and could just drop a ton of money to go see her all the time. If I had that kind of cash, I'd make the seven hour drive to her, no problem, just to see if these feelings could lead anywhere. But I don't, and I can't. The main issue here is, what the hell do I do now?

     Scarlet's the only one I'm actually interested at the moment, But there's no way for that to work. So do I go look for some one else? Just say "Oh hey, so since you live far away, see ya?" I don't want to do that at freaking all, but I feel trapped almost. In an unwinable situation, but I'm here anyway. There are some nice girls I know that are interested in me, so maybe I should pursue them instead. There's one in particular that I only met for a brief moment, who I wouldn't mind getting to know at all. It wouldn't be hard to go get her number and see what happens from there, but at the same time I'd feel bad for doing so. This is really making me a bit crazy here, but I have no idea what to do. It's not like I'd expect Scarlet to stop looking for a guy where she is, because that'd be ridiculously selfish of me...so why is the idea of doing that myself hard for me? Am I nuts or something? I'm welcoming any feedback I can get here.
Signing out,
-Frank D. Orren

Double-Take

      Tomorrow morning, I'll be going on a ten mile trek, all loaded up with a 40-50 pound pack, and I cannot be more excited. My best bud and I will be heading to a giant forest preserve where we'll be toughing it through miles and miles of trails, and probably going into the unmarked parts as well to get an extra good workout in. Walking around carrying a ton of extra weight is tough enough, but when you factor in having to climb over and under obstacles and rough terrain, you're in for one killer time. I figure I'll bring an entire gallon of water, on top of the 50lbs of plates I'll be throwing in my pack, since it's going to be hot and muggy as all get out. They're calling for rain tomorrow, so that should make things...interesting. It's certainly not going to stop me though; being in nature is one of my main ways to relax, even though I'm putting my body through hell. It's probably all the releasing of the chemicals in the brain and the soaking up of the vitamin D from the sunlight. Either way, it's an essential part of my life and I love every second of it. If only my iPod still worked correctly, this would be literally perfect. In my opinion, there's music for every occasion, and the right music will always make that experience better. This summer will be full of rucking, hiking, camping, lifting, running, and 100% victory. let's do it all this summer. Gearing up for success.

     When I do all of these things with my friends, I love every second of it, but I start to miss being in a relationship. Almost every need I have is met by my friend group, except for the essential things like love and sex. I am a person that needs to touch, and be touched, and it's these things that I am missing from my life right now (although, everything else is basically perfect). For the longest time I went without these things and I was fine, but as I grow older, their inherent value seems to go up exponentially, and I'm really starting to feel the hole left by their absence deep inside myself. What better way to walk through a beautiful forest than to do so while holding a lover's hand? And what better way Watch the stars and meteor showers than with your lover next to you? It's always great to have your best friends around, but sometimes, you just need...more. I miss being able to look deeply into my girl's eyes and reminding her that she's making me feel whole, and that I love her. I miss feeling that. Getting drunk with your pals and chasing skirts doesn't compare to having the real thing in front of you. I'm pretty sure I've forgotten what that even feels like anymore. Sorry for the sap, I just had to get all of that off my chest. Summers are always the hardest for me to be alone. Well, alone is the wrong word; lonely is far more accurate. Never alone, but always lonely.

Signing out,
-Frank D. Orren.

A Rock'N'Rollin' Hard Place

     Well, I'm fairly certain that some time tomorrow, one of my closest and dearest friends is going to confess to me finally that she's in love with me. The situation gets more complicated by the fact that we definitely have some pretty serious history. So sit down, gather round, and let me rap atchya about some feels. 

     It was about...wow, almost two years ago now that this girl and I met for the first time. Obviously I'm not going to give her name, so I'll call her Samantha. Sam and I met at a party that some friends were throwing. We had a band together, so occasionally we'd throw shows in this one guy's living room and we'd all get drunk, jam, and hang out. We were introduced, and apparently she used to think she was a douche, and I used to think there was a huge stick up her ass that needed prompt removal. For whatever reason, she was convinced that my name was Paul, and called me Paul for six months. When she told me this, exactly one though popped into my head. "So...she's been thinking about me."

     Fast forward a few more months and you'll find us at my friend's house, and her and I snuggled on his futon, which lead to us making out, which lead to us becoming more than friends for the better part of a year. There was a pause in that time, but that's a story I won't be telling here. So. Much like the woman I mentioned last post, I opened up a lot to her, basically more than I had to anyone, actually. We developed very deep feelings for each other, and she still knows things about me that no one else does, or probably ever will. We never officially dated, but she slept over roughly three nights a week for the longest time. I didn't want a relationship. The title scared the hell out of me after my complete disaster of my last girlfriend that I couldn't imagine ever taking that plunge again, so I didn't. Eventually, I started to love Sam, and that's when things went wrong. I got scarred. I became afraid of my own feelings and I broke things off. At the same time, she had always told me that she didn't want to be in a relationship either, which turned out to be 100% untrue. I feel like she though that if she had pushed for the official thing that I would have backed off (which in her defense, I totally would of), so she would just tell me what she thought I wanted to hear to avoid losing me. We got so close, and she still claims that I saved her life by being around, and I could probably say the exact same thing, to be honest. Another reason why we split was because I wasn't sure she was ready for a relationship. I can't stress enough that I mean no disrespect when I say this, but she needs to work on herself before she commits to someone. Neither of us planned on things getting as serious as they did, me especially, but the simple fact of the matter is that it did, and it was too much. We bonded most when we would hold each other, sobbing, and just accepting each others' flaws and seeing the beauty in them, but that was dragging me down farther. I couldn't be my own place of stability and hers as well; it was just too much. She really is a wonderful person, and to be honest, there are still some feelings there...but we both know that it will never work with us. We've had this conversation before.

    I handled the split poorly, and I know this. I told her that my feelings had disappeared when they hadn't. I tried to get over everything by finding the nearest, most beautiful girl I could, and then ended up dating her just after two months after we parted ways. That wasn't fair to either of them. Definitely a moment of clouded judgement on my end. I'm certainly not excusing it, but I wasn't sure what else to do. 

     Sam went back to her ex, and after I split with the girl I was dating, I hit the playing field again. Most of my feelings faded, but like I said, there are still some left. She's not with her guy anymore, so I feel like she's trying to get things started back up with me, but I simply cannot let that happen. We'll end the exact same way as last time, and I know this for a fact. I'm absolutely dreading this conversation, because I know no matter what I do or say, she's going to be hurting, and the last thing I'd ever want to do is put her in any kind of pain. I've already been a big enough source of Sam's heart-ache, and I am still punishing myself for that. She's become one of my closest friends, and I'm afraid that's going to change now. Not because I want it to, but because I just don't see how any sort of normalcy can be maintained. Wish me luck. 

Signing out, 

-Frank D. Orren. 

Inhailing Deeply

     Well, here it is: my first post in this blog about my life, and the things that a twenty-something male experiences in his daily routine, how he deals with it, the wins-and-ops, and of course the quests for wine, women, and song. To be fair, I don't consider myself to be the "typical" male of my age group. Don't get me wrong, I do the same stuff you'd expect a guy of my age group to do, but I feel like I do things a bit differently. My range of interests are staggering, and my passion for each is just as ferocious. I'm good with my hands, lips, and my brain. Especially the brain. Anyway, moving on.
   
     An important fact about me (which I'm sure will have a huge impact on the topic of most posts I make) is that I have a...unique relationship with women. I'm around women constantly, and I don't mean I see them at the grocery store, I mean I have a ton of female friends who I see almost daily. For some reason, almost every woman I stumble into seems to trust me implicitly from the first few minutes of me meeting them. I've got a swift tongue, a large smile, and a quick whit, which helps me in these instances. But I just recently met a girl who made me forget what the hell I was doing, and that hasn't happened to me in forever. A girl who had me opening my mouth to say something, stifled any sort of words I could have thought of with her gorgeous brown eyes, and left me grinning like and idiot. She's my roommate's best friend from college, and she was in town for a celebration (yeah, which means she's from OUT of town). Well, she stayed with us for a few days, and since night one I wanted to make a move on here, but the timing never lined up very well. Plus, She's my roommates friend. If I was getting the wrong vibes from her, and made a move when she wasn't feeling it, then I've just established and awkward plateau for the rest of her time with us to rest on, which is the opposite of what I wanted to do.

     Another hurdle in this instance was the fact that my female friends (all of my friends are babes, by the way (I don't know how this happened, but it just did)) were always around, and a couple of them crashed overnight in my room, in my bed, with me, on two of those nights. Now, nothing happened with any of them (if I have a friend staying over night, I extend the same opportunity to everyone, not just my gorgeous female friends), but I can only imagine what she must have thought of me then. It's a king sized bed, I mean if I wanted to I can put easily four feet of space between me and anyone in my bed, but obviously if she sees me bringing 8's and 9's up to my room daily, what else is she going to think? Anyway. I finally get the courage to make a move (after some reassuring from my friends), and boy, am I glad I did. Not only was she interested, but she had been since basically the same time I was. It sucks to think we could have been spending those nights together, but neither of us acted on our interest. I'm not complaining, because the one night we did get is going to keep me happy for months, I'm sure. This girl is...everything. She's the whole package: Hilarious, intelligent, a total sweetheart, caring, and to top all of that off, she's breath-takingly beautiful. She's a 10, easily, and her appearance is only the cherry on top of all her other amazing qualities. Well, we danced, kissed, cuddled, and I couldn't have asked for anything more than that. We talked for a while earlier and she continually made me feel like...well, that's just it, I can't even put into words. I understand this all sounds silly, and I'm aware that I have a ridiculous school boy crush in this girl, but if you knew her, you would to. She said some of the sweetest and most meaningful things to me that I've ever heard, and she's got my head spinning. The shitty part of this story is that she lives about seven hours away. Taking this girl out is obviously not practical, and that really sucks. The only reason I can't see her is because of the distance, and that's the worst part about all of it. Losing the chance to possibly discover something great, simply and only because of physical space. I honestly have no idea how to progress at this point, as far as do I keep talking to her? Is it right to be here reminding her that I'm still around? I feel like that's selfish, but maybe it's selfish not to, as well. It's certainly not good to be hung up on the impossible, but I also feel like I'm blowing this out of proportion: We spent a weekend together, had some laughs, exchanged some kisses, and shared a little bit of each other, Isn't that enough? Should it be confined to a weekend and simply categorized as a series of great memories and dropped? Maybe the main force behind the struggle is because I've never been so instantly connected to a woman so...perfect before. I do not connect with women easily on a romantic level, as I am always guarded, and I certainly never open up to them this quickly. I'm guessing that's it. The first person to come around in years that I feel the automatic trust for and she's so far out of reach that I may as well live in another country. God. I am not this guy. I am never this guy, so conflicted and scatterbrained about a girl. What can I say, I feel like she's worth the task of putting my brain back together manually, piece-by-piece like some sort of model kit. All I know for sure that I can do is just continue to be myself and talk with her as much as she wants to. I always forget that these situations sort themselves out on their own, and that there are many right and wrong answers to this problem. Anyway, looks like I've stated a novel here. I suppose I'm officially an author. Good for me.

Signing out,
Frank D. Orren.