It was about...wow, almost two years ago now that this girl and I met for the first time. Obviously I'm not going to give her name, so I'll call her Samantha. Sam and I met at a party that some friends were throwing. We had a band together, so occasionally we'd throw shows in this one guy's living room and we'd all get drunk, jam, and hang out. We were introduced, and apparently she used to think she was a douche, and I used to think there was a huge stick up her ass that needed prompt removal. For whatever reason, she was convinced that my name was Paul, and called me Paul for six months. When she told me this, exactly one though popped into my head. "So...she's been thinking about me."
Fast forward a few more months and you'll find us at my friend's house, and her and I snuggled on his futon, which lead to us making out, which lead to us becoming more than friends for the better part of a year. There was a pause in that time, but that's a story I won't be telling here. So. Much like the woman I mentioned last post, I opened up a lot to her, basically more than I had to anyone, actually. We developed very deep feelings for each other, and she still knows things about me that no one else does, or probably ever will. We never officially dated, but she slept over roughly three nights a week for the longest time. I didn't want a relationship. The title scared the hell out of me after my complete disaster of my last girlfriend that I couldn't imagine ever taking that plunge again, so I didn't. Eventually, I started to love Sam, and that's when things went wrong. I got scarred. I became afraid of my own feelings and I broke things off. At the same time, she had always told me that she didn't want to be in a relationship either, which turned out to be 100% untrue. I feel like she though that if she had pushed for the official thing that I would have backed off (which in her defense, I totally would of), so she would just tell me what she thought I wanted to hear to avoid losing me. We got so close, and she still claims that I saved her life by being around, and I could probably say the exact same thing, to be honest. Another reason why we split was because I wasn't sure she was ready for a relationship. I can't stress enough that I mean no disrespect when I say this, but she needs to work on herself before she commits to someone. Neither of us planned on things getting as serious as they did, me especially, but the simple fact of the matter is that it did, and it was too much. We bonded most when we would hold each other, sobbing, and just accepting each others' flaws and seeing the beauty in them, but that was dragging me down farther. I couldn't be my own place of stability and hers as well; it was just too much. She really is a wonderful person, and to be honest, there are still some feelings there...but we both know that it will never work with us. We've had this conversation before.
I handled the split poorly, and I know this. I told her that my feelings had disappeared when they hadn't. I tried to get over everything by finding the nearest, most beautiful girl I could, and then ended up dating her just after two months after we parted ways. That wasn't fair to either of them. Definitely a moment of clouded judgement on my end. I'm certainly not excusing it, but I wasn't sure what else to do.
Sam went back to her ex, and after I split with the girl I was dating, I hit the playing field again. Most of my feelings faded, but like I said, there are still some left. She's not with her guy anymore, so I feel like she's trying to get things started back up with me, but I simply cannot let that happen. We'll end the exact same way as last time, and I know this for a fact. I'm absolutely dreading this conversation, because I know no matter what I do or say, she's going to be hurting, and the last thing I'd ever want to do is put her in any kind of pain. I've already been a big enough source of Sam's heart-ache, and I am still punishing myself for that. She's become one of my closest friends, and I'm afraid that's going to change now. Not because I want it to, but because I just don't see how any sort of normalcy can be maintained. Wish me luck.
Signing out,
-Frank D. Orren.
No comments:
Post a Comment