I guess it would be fair to say I had an odd weekend. Not in any sort of obvious good or bad way, just a little off from what I usually expect. First off, I visited my sister and brother-in-law for (probably) the last time. I didn't get very emotional about it what was pretty shocking to me, but maybe deep down I know they're moving half-way across the country and there's nothing I can do about it. If I want to ever see them again (which I do), I'm going to have to get my ass to Portland and back. No reason for them to come back to The Windy City. Not that I blame them for not wanting to come back to Illinois. Part of me wants to take them up on their offer and move to Portland with them. Only problem with that is that everything I know and live is in this sub-par town, and I don't know if I'm ready to kick it all to the curb just yet. Yeah, I could stay in touch with people via Internet and phone, but I can't cheers my friends that way. I can't jam with my band via text. Ugh. My mind is wrapped up in this.
If I'm being honest, my mind has actually been wrapped up in everything lately. I feel like my mind is a slot machine, except instead of three or four spinning wheels, there are rows upon rows and columns upon columns of spinning disks, each containing everything I know. However, these disks never actually land on anything. I just see words and pictures flash by my eyes 24/7 and never settle on one single thought that contributes to my overall uneasiness as of late. I'm sinking back down into depression and I have no idea what's causing it. Not one specific thing, anyway. There's not a whole lot I feel that I can do about it right now, at least. I'm sure that will change soon enough. Maybe what I need is change? Something to appear as something else? At least enough to where my life looks different than it did before. Maybe that's asking too much.
On the women front, Scarlet and I have ceased all communication. Well, she ceased I suppose I should say, for accuracy's sake. The last conversation we had started with her (after a few days of silence) saying that she was thinking about me, and that she wished she was with me, driving around and listening to the blues (which is something we did a lot the first day we met). I'm pretty sure something inside me then broke loose, and is now constantly bouncing around my insides, causing ruptures and all sorts of other damage. That makes me wonder though, is she really st home, seeing other people and having fun with them, but still thinking of me all the time? Well, not anymore I assume at least. And I made that sound like way more serious than it is, especially by saying "other people," as if there was ever only me. I suppose I just don't know how to word this, which, is another sign that that I liked this woman way too much in such a short amount of time. At least she felt the same way, too. I'm really not just sitting around and thinking about her. I haven't thought much of her until I sat down and started typing all of this out.
My mind has been more on Sam lately.
Ever since she told me she was in love with me (and way before then, if I'm not going to sit here and lie to myself and all of you as well), I can't stop thinking about "what if." I've never been more connected to anyone in years, and I already know she's safe. Safety is a terrible reason to consider dating some one though, assuming that's the only reason. I suppose I'm afraid that the main reason she's on my mind is because of how much we've shared, and I know she won't hurt me. Maybe I'm not thinking about her the right way, and instead see her as the best route to take because of the safety factor. This makes me sad, because she deserves some one amazing, and here I am, going back and fourth on the thing because I don't know if I want to be with her because I actually WANT to be with her, or for some other reason, which of course makes me feel like crap. I don't really deserve her at the end of the day, and that's what I need to focus on. I'm bad news for her, no matter how much I care about her.
I'm sure I'm hurting another friend of mine as well, simply by being around and talking to her. Well, the fact that we make out a ton and sometimes do other things when we drink isn't helping anything. Let's call her Kristi. She's a pretty big player in my game right now. Basically, we met one night at karaoke, and I gave her and a friend of hers a ride home. Kristi and I made out, exchanged numbers and all that, been hanging out ever since. Fast-forward a bit, and I realize this girl is basically the female version of me, and once I realized that, all romantic feelings toward her died. I started seeing her as more of a buddy than anything else before then, but once it dawned on my in real life, that was just...well, that killed it for me. I still think she's attractive, I still think she's awesome to hang out with, I just could never date her. We've talked about everything, and we're cool with it, but we tend to end up in bed whenever we have a bit to drink. I think that's kind of how we both prefer it? Maybe? But if she's maybe not being honest 100% and there are feelings on her end...well. That's not ok. This probably warrants another conversation altogether. Nothing's ever easy, I guess. All of her friends that I've met always ask me about our relationship when Kristi's not around. They tell me how awesome of a girl she is and how I need to date her. That gets a bit akward, really. She has a fair amount of male friends, too, so when they say these things to me my obvious first instinct is to obviously say "Hey, if you think she's so great, why don't YOU date her?" I assume this is because they also realize what I have realized. Tough situation. She also deserves some one great, but I'm just not the guy for her, whether she knows that or not.
In summation, as much as I'd love to be with some one, i think i need to figure out my own issue first. This sounds obvious as I write it. most things usually do.
Signing off,
-Frank D. Orren.
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