So, my roommate Stacey broke up with her boyfriend...
They had been planning to go to a wedding together, but since the split, she decided to bring me instead! Yeessssssss.
We rolled up to this super ritzy country club, (the hotel for the wedding was the Hilton, if that paints a picture of the fancyness levels for you), and My roommate and I were both lookin' fine. She's a beautiful girl, so she looks good always, but I on the other hand, looked amazing, if I do say so myself. I had my Don Draper grade suit on, and knocking back drinks like the man himself. I;d juts acquired a new suit coat and awesome oxfords from Goodwill...for $15. I've ranted about how much it blows trying to find clothes to fit me, but here I just walk into the place and in about 10 minutes, walk out with new shoes and a suit coat that fits and looks about ten times better than my old one did. This is a super modern coat in fit and design, so needless to say, I was happy. Anyway, after the ceremony she'd, issued a challenge to me, seeing who can get the most phone numbers that night. I agreed, but who the hell wants to get into a numbers contest with a babe? Not this guy. Oh well. Well, the night goes on and I meet about 75% of Stacey's family. The bride even asks her if I'm the "new guy," from which I understand that happened quite a bit. Fast forward about 7 more glasses of Dewar's White Label scotch on the rocks, and 7 more glasses of Jameson neat, and you'll find me on the dance-floor with Stacey, slow-dancing and fast dancing as the songs change. I'll make a long story short, but I'm pretty sure we end up making out right there on the dance floor. Making out. With my roommate. Oh, fuck. I'm a bit hazy at this point, but we end up back at the hotel and end making out a ton more outside. Well, I can honestly say that I did not see that coming, at all. I feel bad about this. Her ex boyfriend is kiiiiiind of the drummer in my band and we're kind of best friends. However, he's moving out of state in October, and probably gone for good. I'm 100% convinced that the make out would not have happened at all unless we were drunk, and at the wedding. This happened last night, like I said. This morning she said "we made out last night," to which I said "yeah, we made out a lot last night." We both kind of chuckled it off, so I'm pretty sure that there's nothing we need to talk about, and it shouldn't be awkward from now on or anything I hope. I'd normally feel awful about the situation, but like I said, we laughed it off. It's clearly (I hope) not a big deal to either of us, and I'm also assuming it was a one time deal. I'm ok with it happening again, personally, but like I said, I seriously doubt it. Hopefully no harm done there, and hopefully none of her family witnessed our...closeness. I'd hate for her to get barraged with questions about it. SO, this is what's up lately. At the end of the day, I hope neither of these things repeat themselves. Not that I wouldn't/didn't enjoy myself, but this kind of stuff can end up getting sticky quick, and with my luck, they would. I felt the need to blog about these events, because I'm telling no one about either of them. Some things are better left not gossiped about, and these juicy tidbits are prime examples of such a thing.
Oops, I did it again,
-Frank.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
It's Been A While.
So, it's been a while. This will probably be along post, so bare with me here.
Let me start off with some important updates. I ended up starting up another fling with Sam. Sexual tension got the better of us, and on top of this, Sam has the innate ability to convince me that she'll be fine with whatever happens with us, even if it's never more than physical with us. I should have known better, but she can be very convincing, especially when I'm sexually starved and otherwise devoid of any kind of substantial physical contact. Well, I sensed she was getting deep in it, and I wasn't. I ended things, and she's in the worst shape I've seen her in. This the only time in our odd history that she's needed space from me. I can't begin to convey how terrible I feel about all of this, and that I knew in the back of my mind that these things would not end well. I'm not sure how I let myself get into this situation again, and now that I've really hurt her, I hate myself for it. This is definitely my fault, but at the same time, I wish she hand't tried so hard to get me back into bed with her. I accept full responsibility for this, but then again, it does take two to tango. And we tango'd hard.
In other news, I feel like all eyes are on me lately, and I'm not digging it at all. By this I mean too many of my chick friends have made passes at me now, and it's kind of a drag. IT wouldn't be if these ladies in question had been single for a while, but the case is they're both recently single (one like a week ago, and she also lives with her ex), and their exes are still around. One of the exes in question sort of happens to be one of my best friends. And of course these two instances I'm about to relate to you happened in two consecutive days, because why would there be any time between these things. Okay, so the first instance happened on Friday with a friend of mine I've mentioned before, but I can't remember what the hell code name I've given her, so we'll just call her Alice. She came home from work early to find her boyfriend naked, with another girl in the house. Details are hazy because obviously Alice was in such shock, but that makes sense. We're not sure anymore that he actually did anything, and that's only because this guy is so stupid that I could totally see he being an idiot enough to get himself into this kind of situation without actually banging the strange girl in his house, or even planning or wanting to bang this girl. That aside, the point is that Alice is now single. Fast-forward to Friday, and that will take you to Alice and I sitting on my back steps, more than a little drunk. Some drunk girls walk by, and of course Alice starts chatting them up and discovers that it's one of their birthdays. She keeps asking the birthday girl if she wants a birthday kiss from me, who let me remind is sitting there, minding my own business and definitely not offering anyone kisses. I tell them to ignore Alice and to go have fun, which they do, and Alice starts saying that if I'd given her time, that I could have kissed that girl. I really didn't care to, smooch this random girl anyway, so I explained this to her. She gives me a look and says "well, what if I want a kiss." I take a shot, look at her and say "then maybe you should go get one." She looks pretty pissed, but I think this is hilarious. I know what she was getting at because I'm not stupid, so I say "Oh, you meant from me."
One thing you need to know about her is that she's insanely pretty, and takes full advantage of it. I'm pretty sure I'm the one guy she's been friends with who hasn't actively tried to get into her pants since day one of knowing her. She told me a few years back that if she wanted to, she'd have me wrapped abound her finger. I think this is also hilarious, because it is. Especially with that in mind, I've always brushed off any flirting she did with me, especially any time she ever said to me "Oh, if I was ever single, I'd make you the happiest man alive." Yeah, maybe it's silly for me to still hold onto what she said about having me wrapped around her finger, but I don't forget things like that. I was really pissed when she said that, and now if she actually ever does have feelings for me or wants to hook up, well too bad, because you said a really bitchy thing to me and you've ruined it for yourself. I've told her this but that doesn't seem to stop her attempts, but I haven't cracked yet, and I'm not going to. So, at this moment on my back steps. I say, " Then why don't you come on down here and get one." She leans in, slowly, mouth slightly open, eye contact made fully as she lowers her face and lips towards mine. Our noses touch, our lips brush, but I stay absolutely still and don't follow up with the 10% required it'd have taken to complete the kiss. She hovers there for about three long, awkward seconds, but then stands up looking more pissed, and simply says "fuck you, Frank." I tell her that if she really wanted a kiss, she'd have gotten it. She tells me I've "lost my chance," to which I say.."uh-huh." She continues to be all over me for the rest of the night, and at one point, I steal a kiss just to see what she does. To which she just says "I can't believe you just did that." I'm laughing now, because...well, I just am. I think more or less this has began to become a game of sorts with us, but I'm not sure anymore. I'm not gonna fall for her, but hell, if I could be making out with a gorgeous girl, I should be capitalizing on that, right? I'm pretty sure she's going to end up taking back her moron boyfriend, so my window of opportunity is basically closed. It's definitely no big deal, it's not like I haven't made out with her a bunch in the past or seen her naked already. Story two will continue on the next post, because this is way too long It took place last night/this morning, at a wedding.
Let me start off with some important updates. I ended up starting up another fling with Sam. Sexual tension got the better of us, and on top of this, Sam has the innate ability to convince me that she'll be fine with whatever happens with us, even if it's never more than physical with us. I should have known better, but she can be very convincing, especially when I'm sexually starved and otherwise devoid of any kind of substantial physical contact. Well, I sensed she was getting deep in it, and I wasn't. I ended things, and she's in the worst shape I've seen her in. This the only time in our odd history that she's needed space from me. I can't begin to convey how terrible I feel about all of this, and that I knew in the back of my mind that these things would not end well. I'm not sure how I let myself get into this situation again, and now that I've really hurt her, I hate myself for it. This is definitely my fault, but at the same time, I wish she hand't tried so hard to get me back into bed with her. I accept full responsibility for this, but then again, it does take two to tango. And we tango'd hard.
In other news, I feel like all eyes are on me lately, and I'm not digging it at all. By this I mean too many of my chick friends have made passes at me now, and it's kind of a drag. IT wouldn't be if these ladies in question had been single for a while, but the case is they're both recently single (one like a week ago, and she also lives with her ex), and their exes are still around. One of the exes in question sort of happens to be one of my best friends. And of course these two instances I'm about to relate to you happened in two consecutive days, because why would there be any time between these things. Okay, so the first instance happened on Friday with a friend of mine I've mentioned before, but I can't remember what the hell code name I've given her, so we'll just call her Alice. She came home from work early to find her boyfriend naked, with another girl in the house. Details are hazy because obviously Alice was in such shock, but that makes sense. We're not sure anymore that he actually did anything, and that's only because this guy is so stupid that I could totally see he being an idiot enough to get himself into this kind of situation without actually banging the strange girl in his house, or even planning or wanting to bang this girl. That aside, the point is that Alice is now single. Fast-forward to Friday, and that will take you to Alice and I sitting on my back steps, more than a little drunk. Some drunk girls walk by, and of course Alice starts chatting them up and discovers that it's one of their birthdays. She keeps asking the birthday girl if she wants a birthday kiss from me, who let me remind is sitting there, minding my own business and definitely not offering anyone kisses. I tell them to ignore Alice and to go have fun, which they do, and Alice starts saying that if I'd given her time, that I could have kissed that girl. I really didn't care to, smooch this random girl anyway, so I explained this to her. She gives me a look and says "well, what if I want a kiss." I take a shot, look at her and say "then maybe you should go get one." She looks pretty pissed, but I think this is hilarious. I know what she was getting at because I'm not stupid, so I say "Oh, you meant from me."
One thing you need to know about her is that she's insanely pretty, and takes full advantage of it. I'm pretty sure I'm the one guy she's been friends with who hasn't actively tried to get into her pants since day one of knowing her. She told me a few years back that if she wanted to, she'd have me wrapped abound her finger. I think this is also hilarious, because it is. Especially with that in mind, I've always brushed off any flirting she did with me, especially any time she ever said to me "Oh, if I was ever single, I'd make you the happiest man alive." Yeah, maybe it's silly for me to still hold onto what she said about having me wrapped around her finger, but I don't forget things like that. I was really pissed when she said that, and now if she actually ever does have feelings for me or wants to hook up, well too bad, because you said a really bitchy thing to me and you've ruined it for yourself. I've told her this but that doesn't seem to stop her attempts, but I haven't cracked yet, and I'm not going to. So, at this moment on my back steps. I say, " Then why don't you come on down here and get one." She leans in, slowly, mouth slightly open, eye contact made fully as she lowers her face and lips towards mine. Our noses touch, our lips brush, but I stay absolutely still and don't follow up with the 10% required it'd have taken to complete the kiss. She hovers there for about three long, awkward seconds, but then stands up looking more pissed, and simply says "fuck you, Frank." I tell her that if she really wanted a kiss, she'd have gotten it. She tells me I've "lost my chance," to which I say.."uh-huh." She continues to be all over me for the rest of the night, and at one point, I steal a kiss just to see what she does. To which she just says "I can't believe you just did that." I'm laughing now, because...well, I just am. I think more or less this has began to become a game of sorts with us, but I'm not sure anymore. I'm not gonna fall for her, but hell, if I could be making out with a gorgeous girl, I should be capitalizing on that, right? I'm pretty sure she's going to end up taking back her moron boyfriend, so my window of opportunity is basically closed. It's definitely no big deal, it's not like I haven't made out with her a bunch in the past or seen her naked already. Story two will continue on the next post, because this is way too long It took place last night/this morning, at a wedding.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Epiphanies
I've realized something today. Something that should have been apparent to me throughout all of my struggles thinking of Sam and whatever the future might hold for us. Sam is 100% in love with me, which I know because she told me, and reminds me of often. I love her, but I am not in love with her. This is why I could never be with her. To commit to someone who is not only not on the same page as you, but is instead on the last chapter of the next book in the series, would be torturous for both people involved. She’d be there waiting for me to fall in love with her, and in return, this would cause me much anxiety and fear. This is what I need to explain to her.
Am I wrong here? Maybe one or some of you have entered into a relationship with someone who you either already loved or was in love with you. I feel that she would end up resenting me for not being able to return her same feelings. She told me that she thinks we could make something work if "we took it slow." To me this is crazy. How exactly do you take things slow with someone you are in love with? I ask myself this but realize that to her that would be better than even the friendship we have now, because at least then she would know that she had me, and that I was indeed hers. I don't have a problem with love (in fact, that’s what I want (need) in my life right now), and I don't have a problem with commitment, but how does one start fresh with an old foundation? Plus with our other fundamental differences, and the fact that we are text-book opposites, which has already made being friends difficult enough. It wouldn’t be fair or right of me to let this happen. I hate myself for letting things end up the way they did on the night of the wedding. My weakness and need for connection overpowered my better judgment, and I screwed that up. With Sam, it's so easy because I've known her for a while now, and I already trust her, and am comfortable with her. More comfortable with her than I am with anyone else, really. But comfort does not establish grounds for building something that can't support itself. Maybe I'm overanalyzing all of this (like I do every other detail of my life). Does anyone else think so? However, I do truly feel this won’t ever work, and I need to tell her this.
Signing out,
-Franklin D. Orren.
Am I wrong here? Maybe one or some of you have entered into a relationship with someone who you either already loved or was in love with you. I feel that she would end up resenting me for not being able to return her same feelings. She told me that she thinks we could make something work if "we took it slow." To me this is crazy. How exactly do you take things slow with someone you are in love with? I ask myself this but realize that to her that would be better than even the friendship we have now, because at least then she would know that she had me, and that I was indeed hers. I don't have a problem with love (in fact, that’s what I want (need) in my life right now), and I don't have a problem with commitment, but how does one start fresh with an old foundation? Plus with our other fundamental differences, and the fact that we are text-book opposites, which has already made being friends difficult enough. It wouldn’t be fair or right of me to let this happen. I hate myself for letting things end up the way they did on the night of the wedding. My weakness and need for connection overpowered my better judgment, and I screwed that up. With Sam, it's so easy because I've known her for a while now, and I already trust her, and am comfortable with her. More comfortable with her than I am with anyone else, really. But comfort does not establish grounds for building something that can't support itself. Maybe I'm overanalyzing all of this (like I do every other detail of my life). Does anyone else think so? However, I do truly feel this won’t ever work, and I need to tell her this.
Signing out,
-Franklin D. Orren.
Poorly Plotted Points
I never thought that I would be the type to cry at a wedding, but let me tell you all, I sure as hell got close. I've known the bride since freshman year of high school, and the groom since he was eight. Hell, they met at my old apartment. It was surreal to watch her walk down the aisle. As soon as she stepped out, I felt the familiar pressure of tears forming behind my eyes; I'm pretty sure a few escaped, so luckily I was wearing sunglasses (we were outside for the actual ceremony). Everything was beautiful, especially the bride who looked like a freaking princess. I wish them both a lifetime of love and happiness.
If I remember correctly, I had...let me tally this up:
-1 18 ounce beer
-1 12 ounce beer
-1 round of Rumchata and cinnamon whiskey shots
-1 glass of white wine
-1 girly mixed drink with dinner before the wedding
-2 glasses of champagne
-3 glasses of scotch on the rocks
-4 whiskey and sodas
- I think...7 or 8 gin and tonics. The last of which I know was about 80% full of Beefeater.
I forgot how much I liked gin. For me, it's one of those things I totally forget about unless I see some one else drinking one, and then I get one as well. Anyway, all of those drinks I consumed was just at the wedding. The post-wedding bar I went to is where things get a little hazy, but I think this is right...
- 2 Wild Turkey (101) and cokes
- 1 shot of well tequila
- 1 shot of Jameson
- 2 vodka cranberries.
I promise I'm not making these numbers up. Remember that I'm 6'6" and the amount seems a bit more reasonable. I'm not sure how even I managed to keep all these down (no vomiting, woohoo!) even for me. It was one of those types of drunk where you don't really feel drunk, but you notice your steps aren't quite as steady and your speech isn't quite so clear. This is my least favorite kind of drunk for sure, since I don't think I'm very drunk at all but turn out to be smashed in reality. Thing is, I'm sure I didn't even come close to having the most drinks that night. The bride's family can really, really put it away. Ugh.
I ended up looking just as good as I'd hoped. I ended up finding the perfect shirt (professionally fitted, and now I know for sure I need a 40/41 inch sleeve), and the perfect shoes. Everything was on point. And while there were a ton of fine single ladies there, I had really no desire to hit on a single one of them. I was having fun just dancing with my friends and being happily intoxicated. At one point even one of the girls came up to us and asked us why we were dancing with each other and not with all the pretty girls that were around (she herself was a foxy, foxy Asian girl), to which I thought of walking up to her, grabbing her hand and leading her to a clear spot on the floor and saying "well all you had to do is ask," and give her a wink, but I just...didn't even want to. Plus Sam was around and I didn't want to make her feel bad (also the ride home would have been awkward).
Something that's important to know about me is that when I drink, two things happen: I become the most loving human being on the planet, and I become very honest and open. Usually this works to my advantage, and very well I might add, but it becomes detrimental when I'm in a closed space (say like a car), when I'm alone with a girl I have feelings for. Basically, I messed up last night. Sam and I were having a convo about something that happened when we were still involved, and the convo lead to how we wished we both would have done things a bit differently. Well, when we got to the bar, She finally started drinking herself. We got a ride back to my place from a sober buddy of mine, and that's when things really went bad. We were talking about our feelings, and I wish I would have had the sense to keep my damn mouth closed. I told her about how one night when my (brief) girlfriend at the tine was passed out in my bed, that I sat there and was missing Sam a lot. And how when I drove Sam to her (also brief) boyfriend's house, that I desperately wanted to tell her that to forget about him, and that we'd turn around right then and we could go back to my house and figure things out. I said a lot of stuff I didn't want to tell her, as did she. I didn't want to say them because they aren't true or anything like that, I'm just worried now that I've made it easier for her to get hurt by me. The main problem is is that I still don't know if I should be with her or not. I honestly do love her, but she scares me, too. My fear of getting hurt by her I feel would lead me to be on the defense offense the whole time to protect me feelings, and only end up hurting hers because of that. We've already established that we need to have a sit-down. I have no idea what I'm gonna say. I should have been worried when a total hottie at the bar started hitting on me by the juke box, and I had no desire to hit on her back. I saw the look in her eyes when I walked by, with her giving me the slow up and down look and the "hello," smile, and the first thing I think of is Sam. She started chatting me up (I was still wearing my suit, so this is why), and I just kind of dealt with it and made small talk back to her, but as soon as I could be I was back on my way. usually nothing stops me from flirting. It's second nature to me. Dang, I've typed enough already. Basically, I wish I hadn't said anything to Sam, even though for me it was very cathartic. I'm just afraid now. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. Ugh. We'll see what happens. Wish me luck.
Signing out,
Franklin D. Orren.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Suspended Carefully In Ballance.
I guess it would be fair to say I had an odd weekend. Not in any sort of obvious good or bad way, just a little off from what I usually expect. First off, I visited my sister and brother-in-law for (probably) the last time. I didn't get very emotional about it what was pretty shocking to me, but maybe deep down I know they're moving half-way across the country and there's nothing I can do about it. If I want to ever see them again (which I do), I'm going to have to get my ass to Portland and back. No reason for them to come back to The Windy City. Not that I blame them for not wanting to come back to Illinois. Part of me wants to take them up on their offer and move to Portland with them. Only problem with that is that everything I know and live is in this sub-par town, and I don't know if I'm ready to kick it all to the curb just yet. Yeah, I could stay in touch with people via Internet and phone, but I can't cheers my friends that way. I can't jam with my band via text. Ugh. My mind is wrapped up in this.
If I'm being honest, my mind has actually been wrapped up in everything lately. I feel like my mind is a slot machine, except instead of three or four spinning wheels, there are rows upon rows and columns upon columns of spinning disks, each containing everything I know. However, these disks never actually land on anything. I just see words and pictures flash by my eyes 24/7 and never settle on one single thought that contributes to my overall uneasiness as of late. I'm sinking back down into depression and I have no idea what's causing it. Not one specific thing, anyway. There's not a whole lot I feel that I can do about it right now, at least. I'm sure that will change soon enough. Maybe what I need is change? Something to appear as something else? At least enough to where my life looks different than it did before. Maybe that's asking too much.
On the women front, Scarlet and I have ceased all communication. Well, she ceased I suppose I should say, for accuracy's sake. The last conversation we had started with her (after a few days of silence) saying that she was thinking about me, and that she wished she was with me, driving around and listening to the blues (which is something we did a lot the first day we met). I'm pretty sure something inside me then broke loose, and is now constantly bouncing around my insides, causing ruptures and all sorts of other damage. That makes me wonder though, is she really st home, seeing other people and having fun with them, but still thinking of me all the time? Well, not anymore I assume at least. And I made that sound like way more serious than it is, especially by saying "other people," as if there was ever only me. I suppose I just don't know how to word this, which, is another sign that that I liked this woman way too much in such a short amount of time. At least she felt the same way, too. I'm really not just sitting around and thinking about her. I haven't thought much of her until I sat down and started typing all of this out.
My mind has been more on Sam lately. Ever since she told me she was in love with me (and way before then, if I'm not going to sit here and lie to myself and all of you as well), I can't stop thinking about "what if." I've never been more connected to anyone in years, and I already know she's safe. Safety is a terrible reason to consider dating some one though, assuming that's the only reason. I suppose I'm afraid that the main reason she's on my mind is because of how much we've shared, and I know she won't hurt me. Maybe I'm not thinking about her the right way, and instead see her as the best route to take because of the safety factor. This makes me sad, because she deserves some one amazing, and here I am, going back and fourth on the thing because I don't know if I want to be with her because I actually WANT to be with her, or for some other reason, which of course makes me feel like crap. I don't really deserve her at the end of the day, and that's what I need to focus on. I'm bad news for her, no matter how much I care about her.
I'm sure I'm hurting another friend of mine as well, simply by being around and talking to her. Well, the fact that we make out a ton and sometimes do other things when we drink isn't helping anything. Let's call her Kristi. She's a pretty big player in my game right now. Basically, we met one night at karaoke, and I gave her and a friend of hers a ride home. Kristi and I made out, exchanged numbers and all that, been hanging out ever since. Fast-forward a bit, and I realize this girl is basically the female version of me, and once I realized that, all romantic feelings toward her died. I started seeing her as more of a buddy than anything else before then, but once it dawned on my in real life, that was just...well, that killed it for me. I still think she's attractive, I still think she's awesome to hang out with, I just could never date her. We've talked about everything, and we're cool with it, but we tend to end up in bed whenever we have a bit to drink. I think that's kind of how we both prefer it? Maybe? But if she's maybe not being honest 100% and there are feelings on her end...well. That's not ok. This probably warrants another conversation altogether. Nothing's ever easy, I guess. All of her friends that I've met always ask me about our relationship when Kristi's not around. They tell me how awesome of a girl she is and how I need to date her. That gets a bit akward, really. She has a fair amount of male friends, too, so when they say these things to me my obvious first instinct is to obviously say "Hey, if you think she's so great, why don't YOU date her?" I assume this is because they also realize what I have realized. Tough situation. She also deserves some one great, but I'm just not the guy for her, whether she knows that or not.
In summation, as much as I'd love to be with some one, i think i need to figure out my own issue first. This sounds obvious as I write it. most things usually do.
Signing off,
-Frank D. Orren.
On the women front, Scarlet and I have ceased all communication. Well, she ceased I suppose I should say, for accuracy's sake. The last conversation we had started with her (after a few days of silence) saying that she was thinking about me, and that she wished she was with me, driving around and listening to the blues (which is something we did a lot the first day we met). I'm pretty sure something inside me then broke loose, and is now constantly bouncing around my insides, causing ruptures and all sorts of other damage. That makes me wonder though, is she really st home, seeing other people and having fun with them, but still thinking of me all the time? Well, not anymore I assume at least. And I made that sound like way more serious than it is, especially by saying "other people," as if there was ever only me. I suppose I just don't know how to word this, which, is another sign that that I liked this woman way too much in such a short amount of time. At least she felt the same way, too. I'm really not just sitting around and thinking about her. I haven't thought much of her until I sat down and started typing all of this out.
My mind has been more on Sam lately. Ever since she told me she was in love with me (and way before then, if I'm not going to sit here and lie to myself and all of you as well), I can't stop thinking about "what if." I've never been more connected to anyone in years, and I already know she's safe. Safety is a terrible reason to consider dating some one though, assuming that's the only reason. I suppose I'm afraid that the main reason she's on my mind is because of how much we've shared, and I know she won't hurt me. Maybe I'm not thinking about her the right way, and instead see her as the best route to take because of the safety factor. This makes me sad, because she deserves some one amazing, and here I am, going back and fourth on the thing because I don't know if I want to be with her because I actually WANT to be with her, or for some other reason, which of course makes me feel like crap. I don't really deserve her at the end of the day, and that's what I need to focus on. I'm bad news for her, no matter how much I care about her.
I'm sure I'm hurting another friend of mine as well, simply by being around and talking to her. Well, the fact that we make out a ton and sometimes do other things when we drink isn't helping anything. Let's call her Kristi. She's a pretty big player in my game right now. Basically, we met one night at karaoke, and I gave her and a friend of hers a ride home. Kristi and I made out, exchanged numbers and all that, been hanging out ever since. Fast-forward a bit, and I realize this girl is basically the female version of me, and once I realized that, all romantic feelings toward her died. I started seeing her as more of a buddy than anything else before then, but once it dawned on my in real life, that was just...well, that killed it for me. I still think she's attractive, I still think she's awesome to hang out with, I just could never date her. We've talked about everything, and we're cool with it, but we tend to end up in bed whenever we have a bit to drink. I think that's kind of how we both prefer it? Maybe? But if she's maybe not being honest 100% and there are feelings on her end...well. That's not ok. This probably warrants another conversation altogether. Nothing's ever easy, I guess. All of her friends that I've met always ask me about our relationship when Kristi's not around. They tell me how awesome of a girl she is and how I need to date her. That gets a bit akward, really. She has a fair amount of male friends, too, so when they say these things to me my obvious first instinct is to obviously say "Hey, if you think she's so great, why don't YOU date her?" I assume this is because they also realize what I have realized. Tough situation. She also deserves some one great, but I'm just not the guy for her, whether she knows that or not.
In summation, as much as I'd love to be with some one, i think i need to figure out my own issue first. This sounds obvious as I write it. most things usually do.
Signing off,
-Frank D. Orren.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Holding Hands, Skipping Like A Stone.
Well, in two weeks, two long-term friends of mine are tying the ole' knot and entering into the whole holy matrimony kind of stuff. Good for them! This event should be a good time since friends old and new will be there, and of course, my two friends getting married will be good too, haha. At the same time, I am a going to be a bit sad, since I'll be reminded of love, and how I basically don't know what that word means anymore. Surrounded by happy couples, watching my two friends join in their love right in front of me, just...ugh. Makes me sick! not really at all, but I'm just saying stuff now. One thing I do know about weddings is that they drive single women crazy, and there will be a ton of single women there. The Bride's friends are all gorgeous, and I think mostly available, so that could get fun when you combine the open bar and the fact that we're going to be in a hotel. Hey, I am tired of chasing skirts around, but I figure this will be the place to do so. Droves of horny, 20-something women running around...That does sound like my kind of place. NOW, lemme tell you about my suit!
OK, so this is no secret amongst my friends, but I love fashion so, so, sooooo much. I always try to be the snappiest dresser where ever we end up going to. I make my own styles, so even when I'm not rocking mens' latest fashions, I'm making sure my outfit is still cool and unique. What can I say, I've got an eye for this stuff. Anyway, this suit I'm throwing together is going to be flawless. I'm going with the classic black suit, white shirt, black tie (and I did the research, it IS still OK to wear a black suit to a wedding (as long as it is in the evening)). I'm going to go get professionally fitted for a shirt (even thought I think I found the best one for me) since it's so hard for me to find quality clothes that actually fit, especially dress shirts (I need at lest a 39/39 sleeve), so I'll either go rent a nice white shirt with french cuffs and a spread collar, or have to find one online to buy. I've got a great black skinny tie, and the suit is now a super modern fit after some altering I did to it. So, if I'm not mistaken, I'm going to have the trendiest, well fitting suit around, and I cannot wait for it. And of course, I'm topping it all off with a nice watch and a pocket square. something like this.
I suppose I have no real way of knowing that my suit will be the best there, but that's the fantasy I'm having right now, so that's what I'm going to stick with. Anyway, that's the look I'm going for, but of course I won't be some silly twig man. One thing I still need for sure is shoes. I have the old square toes, but those just aren't fashionable, and by far the most expensive thing I have to get still. A nice pair of black oxfords is what I want, but God knows what I'll be able to find in size 15 between now and then. If I haven't mentioned before, I'm kind of a giant, so finding quality clothes that fit me is almost impossible. Big and tall stores are almost useless since they assume that if you need a 3XL dress shirt, it just has to be because you're obese, and not because you're tall, broad and lift. They assume you've got to be the worst shape you can possibly be and still fit into that size shirt. Luckily I've found that Buckle sells button-up shirts for people with my build, which I think is fantastic. I can walk in there and find jeans with a 34, 35, or even a 36 inseam which is perfect except for the fact I don't have the kind of cash to be dropping on designer jeans. Basically, I'm large enough to where I just barely can't shop in normal stores anymore, save for things like boxers, sock, and t-shirts.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to this day so much, and I can't wait to be there to see my friends start the rest of their lives together!
-Signing out,
Frank D. Orren.
OK, so this is no secret amongst my friends, but I love fashion so, so, sooooo much. I always try to be the snappiest dresser where ever we end up going to. I make my own styles, so even when I'm not rocking mens' latest fashions, I'm making sure my outfit is still cool and unique. What can I say, I've got an eye for this stuff. Anyway, this suit I'm throwing together is going to be flawless. I'm going with the classic black suit, white shirt, black tie (and I did the research, it IS still OK to wear a black suit to a wedding (as long as it is in the evening)). I'm going to go get professionally fitted for a shirt (even thought I think I found the best one for me) since it's so hard for me to find quality clothes that actually fit, especially dress shirts (I need at lest a 39/39 sleeve), so I'll either go rent a nice white shirt with french cuffs and a spread collar, or have to find one online to buy. I've got a great black skinny tie, and the suit is now a super modern fit after some altering I did to it. So, if I'm not mistaken, I'm going to have the trendiest, well fitting suit around, and I cannot wait for it. And of course, I'm topping it all off with a nice watch and a pocket square. something like this.
I suppose I have no real way of knowing that my suit will be the best there, but that's the fantasy I'm having right now, so that's what I'm going to stick with. Anyway, that's the look I'm going for, but of course I won't be some silly twig man. One thing I still need for sure is shoes. I have the old square toes, but those just aren't fashionable, and by far the most expensive thing I have to get still. A nice pair of black oxfords is what I want, but God knows what I'll be able to find in size 15 between now and then. If I haven't mentioned before, I'm kind of a giant, so finding quality clothes that fit me is almost impossible. Big and tall stores are almost useless since they assume that if you need a 3XL dress shirt, it just has to be because you're obese, and not because you're tall, broad and lift. They assume you've got to be the worst shape you can possibly be and still fit into that size shirt. Luckily I've found that Buckle sells button-up shirts for people with my build, which I think is fantastic. I can walk in there and find jeans with a 34, 35, or even a 36 inseam which is perfect except for the fact I don't have the kind of cash to be dropping on designer jeans. Basically, I'm large enough to where I just barely can't shop in normal stores anymore, save for things like boxers, sock, and t-shirts.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to this day so much, and I can't wait to be there to see my friends start the rest of their lives together!
-Signing out,
Frank D. Orren.
Time Wasted
A pretty weird thing happened to me the other day. I was out with some friends, and I ended up making out with a total stranger, who I'm estimating was around 10 years or so older than I. I'm not really sure how it happened though, as far as the events leading up to that or when she decided that she was just going to make that happen. I was outside smoking with some friends and this lady come out of no where and starts chatting us up. She looked pretty darn good for her age (not that I'm implying that she was old, or past her prime or anything like that, because I'm definitely not), and she was very nice, and just out with some friends the same way I was. We made small talk, finished our smokes and all went inside. The situation was that a long time friend of mine was introducing me to one of her newly single co-workers that I was tasked (that makes it sound like it was something I didn't enjoy doing, which wasn't the case, just saying) with charming and showing her a good night. So my friend her co-worker head straight to the bar, while my buddies head to the pool table to get another game started. This beautiful stranger says "Hey, nice meeting you and good talk," to which I say the same. I gave her a hug, because hey why not, everyone enjoys a solid hug, and before I know it, she's on my face like there's no tomorrow. Not in a super passionate, aggressive kind of make out, but it was sudden, but slow and sensual. I was definitely OK with the proceedings. So, After a few attempts to quell the make out (simply because we were standing at the focal point of the entire place), I finally am able to break away and get back to my table. During, I didn't really care who saw, but I realized that I'd blow any chance with this new girl (I'd assume) if she saw me making out with this total stranger, otherwise, hell I'd probably have kept it up for as long as she wanted to. As far as I could tell, she was totally sober, as was I. These things don't usually happen to people in real life, do they? Not once have I been out with my friends and seen this happen to one of them (and basically all of my friends are 8's or above(I don't plan it that way, but it's true)), at least not without putting work into for the night. I've seen my buddies make out with people they met that night, sure, but only after a while of flirting, drink buying, or what have you.
I realized that I never got her number or gave her mine, but on the same token, why would I have? Maybe for some fun at a later date, but would there have been any real chance that something more real could have ever happened? I mean what do I have in common with someone in their thirties? Mid 30's, to be a bit more precise. Again, not that I have anything against her age (I'm not a stranger to women whom are significantly older than myself), but we're at two completely different points in our lives.Maybe the issue here isn't what I could have made out of it, but why would I even wonder about it? Why would I take some random older woman making out with me at a bar as a sign for a place to start looking for a relationship with her? I think this is some sort of sign. I honestly am tired of chasing skirts. I'd like something a bit more real, but I guess this means I need to be very careful as to where I start looking, since this is leading me to believe that I should be looking literally anywhere, which is obviously wrong. Very, very wrong. As far as the girl I was supposed to be courting, that went alright I suppose. Everyone (sans the stranger) came back to my place, and we started a little party in the basement. Some people left, and it ended up just being me, her and two friends who were on her like white in rice. It was like...watching two baby lions trying to take down a gazelle, and extremely fun to watch. Anyway, I walked her home and that was that. I didn't even get her number. whoops. or not.
-Signing out,
Frank D. Orren.
I realized that I never got her number or gave her mine, but on the same token, why would I have? Maybe for some fun at a later date, but would there have been any real chance that something more real could have ever happened? I mean what do I have in common with someone in their thirties? Mid 30's, to be a bit more precise. Again, not that I have anything against her age (I'm not a stranger to women whom are significantly older than myself), but we're at two completely different points in our lives.Maybe the issue here isn't what I could have made out of it, but why would I even wonder about it? Why would I take some random older woman making out with me at a bar as a sign for a place to start looking for a relationship with her? I think this is some sort of sign. I honestly am tired of chasing skirts. I'd like something a bit more real, but I guess this means I need to be very careful as to where I start looking, since this is leading me to believe that I should be looking literally anywhere, which is obviously wrong. Very, very wrong. As far as the girl I was supposed to be courting, that went alright I suppose. Everyone (sans the stranger) came back to my place, and we started a little party in the basement. Some people left, and it ended up just being me, her and two friends who were on her like white in rice. It was like...watching two baby lions trying to take down a gazelle, and extremely fun to watch. Anyway, I walked her home and that was that. I didn't even get her number. whoops. or not.
-Signing out,
Frank D. Orren.
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