Epiphanies

     I've realized something today. Something that should have been apparent to me throughout all of my struggles thinking of Sam and whatever the future might hold for us. Sam is 100% in love with me, which I know because she told me, and reminds me of often. I love her, but I am not in love with her. This is why I could never be with her. To commit to someone who is not only not on the same page as you, but is instead on the last chapter of the next book in the series, would be torturous for both people involved. She’d be there waiting for me to fall in love with her, and in return, this would cause me much anxiety and fear. This is what I need to explain to her.

     Am I wrong here? Maybe one or some of you have entered into a relationship with someone who you either already loved or was in love with you. I feel that she would end up resenting me for not being able to return her same feelings. She told me that she thinks we could make something work if "we took it slow." To me this is crazy. How exactly do you take things slow with someone you are in love with? I ask myself this but realize that to her that would be better than even the friendship we have now, because at least then she would know that she had me, and that I was indeed hers. I don't have a problem with love (in fact, that’s what I want (need) in my life right now), and I don't have a problem with commitment, but how does one start fresh with an old foundation? Plus with our other fundamental differences, and the fact that we are text-book opposites, which has already made being friends difficult enough. It wouldn’t be fair or right of me to let this happen. I hate myself for letting things end up the way they did on the night of the wedding. My weakness and need for connection overpowered my better judgment, and I screwed that up. With Sam, it's so easy because I've known her for a while now, and I already trust her, and am comfortable with her. More comfortable with her than I am with anyone else, really. But comfort does not establish grounds for building something that can't support itself. Maybe I'm overanalyzing all of this (like I do every other detail of my life). Does anyone else think so? However, I do truly feel this won’t ever work, and I need to tell her this.
Signing out,
-Franklin D. Orren.